Arcane
So, I like words. When I'm writing, I generally aim to keep my prose simple and to the point, but lately I've been so often at a loss for just the right word to express what I'm feeling that I've turned more and more to online vocab resources such as "dictionary.com" and "thesaurus.com!"I've decided a fun way to continue this blog will be to choose new words (or words that I recognize but am not completely comfortable with) and relate them to something in my life. I hope this won't come across as overly formulaic; I figure as long as you're taking the time to sit and read my thoughts, you might as well learn something useful, eh?
So, today's word is "arcane." Englishtest.net says it means, "obscure; secret; mysterious" and Answers.com gives two definitions: "Known or understood by only a few" or "Difficult to explain or understand."
After a brief search, I've noticed that the usage of "arcane" seems to be relegated more in the "known by a select few" rather than "mysterious or difficult to understand" realm. However, the second definition ("mysterious") is really what relates to my life right now.
Firstly, I must say that life is incredibly peachy for me right now - in fact, a major reason that I haven't been blogging is just that life has been so rich and full for me lately! I simply haven't had the time nor incentive to digest/process it at the keyboard. I'm doing a job i feel incredibly passionate about and my tasks are a really good match for my skills; i'm dancing a ton and have even been starting to help coach a U-14 girls' soccer team; i've had time to see family and friends and even, as the pictures showed, went on a week-long trip for work which made me feel very important! In general, I'm going with the flow of life, and it's all good.
Yet, I've been finding aspects of my emotional terrain (specifically relating to matters of the heart) to be "arcane," in the "mysterious" sense, as of late! The whole concept of selfness is really trippy, when you think about it...i went through this whole fascination with selfness my junior year in college when i was taking 2 psych courses, intro cog sci and philosophy (if that won't turn your world upside down, in the "i'm rethinking all my assumptions about who i am and what the world is like," i don't know what will!).
So, what is the self? Who am I? I'm brain, i know that, meaning that if you went around and tweaked some synapses in my frontal lobes here or there, i would surely "be" a different person...i'd feel different things, react differently to situations, etc. I think we all love to hold this idea of "selfness," that there is an essential "cheryl" out there somewhere; i think there is, in the sense that i was born with certain dispositions, but i believe it's all firmly rooted in the brain.
Anyway, the cool thing about brains is that they somehow allow us the ability to feel "meta-cognition," or the thought that we are having thoughts. This is what makes us think we are a "self" outside our bodies, right? Anyway, so the whole topic of the self is always a bit funny to me, because i feel like saying "I am finding myself arcane" would imply i think that there are two cheryls: the cheryl who is saying the statement, and the cheryl to which the stater is referring, but really we're one entitity, held within this strange collection of organs and bones that we call the body.
Oh my god, i sound insane. Please, nobody show this to any of my old professors at Vassar, they'll get depressed and think i never learned anything! Hehe.
Anyway, so "arcane." Yeah. "Mysterious." When i get into these thought loops and start questioning everything, it makes answering the simplest question a bit of a chore. "Hi, Cheryl, how are you feeling today?" to a normal person would solicit a "fine" response, whereas when i get into these thoughtful states, it might spark an entire day's worth of mental fodder...so, you can imagine, when the questions get more complex, my brain starts to hurt!
A couple friends and i are currently debating some stuff regarding romance and the human heart, mine in particular. I'm finding it more difficult than usual to answer the question, "What is it that you want?" What am I "looking for?" What do I think is "right" for this time in my life? in relation to romance and relationships. I don't have as much of a desire to experience another intense "fall" (into love) at the moment; perhaps this is due to having more than my share of great loves in the past (seriously, i am not exaggerating here; i've been loved so well, my past boyfriends all deserve trophies...multi-leveled trophies!). Yet, I'm not really into being "single" as some sort of intrinsically meaningful experience, either. And dating can be super fun, but it also really pushes the boundaries of my okness with ambiguity...
So, I don't have clear answer to the question, "what do you want right now?" Someone asked me that the other day, and all i could say was, clarity. Regardless of where i am; clarity about how i feel, and clarity about how i feel about feeling that, and clarity about how my romantic interest(s) feel(s).
So, to get back to my vocab idea: I'm finding my emotional state regarding romance/dating arcane precisely due to it's ambiguity. It's mysterious and hard to understand that I really have no preference other than to have clarity, you know? But perhaps that's a good thing...that i don't have a clear vision of what i want? I've certainly seen people became very disappointed after their perfect vision of what they want/need in their lives doesn't emerge. Who knows! Why should i assume that it's a good thing to have a clear opinion? I don't know!
On an interesting aside, when you look up just the word "arcane" under Google, the third result wil be a link to "the Arcane school," where you can get training on "new age discipleship...(it is) a correspondence school presenting the principles of the Ageless Wisdom through esoteric meditation, study and service as a way of life." Perhaps they have a potential student in their midst? Or, perhaps, those sorts of schools serve if nothing else to just allow people to feel ok with not knowing how they feel?
One last note: if you google the phrase, "what does arcane mean?" your third result will be a link to a blog boy someone called "The crochet dude," which i find very giggle-inducing. Check it out! http://thecrochetdude.blogspot.com/2006/05/arcane.html | posted by Cheryl, 5/22/2006 10:49:00 PM
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