Break-up Lessons Learned: #1-5
Lately I've been chatting with a few friends about relationships, break-ups, etc and decided to go through my old emails and experiences and organize all the stuff I've learned over time because it really is helpful to apply lessons from the past to current situations. So, I went through somd old emails and came up with these first 5 Break-Up lessons learned...I hope they're helpful (or at least entertaining)!1) Breaking up does NOT necessarily delegitimize your relationship and it does NOT mean failure.
I think the biggest point of confusion or cognitive dissonance people experience near the end of the relationship is this feeling that a break up implies that there is something wrong with one or both partners or the relationship as a whole. While that can be the case, in general I prefer to think of a relationship as a choice you make that makes sense in your life at one point, and a break-up as a choice that makes sense in another point in your life...both choices are "good" ones, if that makes sense.
I think people just logically think that when a relationship is perpetuating then it is necessarily "good" and a break up is necessarily "bad" or means some sort of failure to make things work out. Really, though, a relationship is just an acknowledgment of a reality that exists and a decision to act upon that reality (say, ok, the reality is that right now we fit together super well) and when the reality changes (ok, we don't fit so well anymore) a breakup is just a logical response to that. Thinking that you've failed because you broke up is silly...a true failure would be a failure to acknowledge that the relationship no longer makes sense.
Additionally, a relationship is a complex entity springing from not only the individuals involved but environmental issues such as timing, place in life, logistics (location), etc, so often a break-up reflects more about those outer circumstances than anything about the individuals involved...just a thought.
2) When you break up with someone (ie the breakup is not a mutual thing), you have to let go of the idea that you can/should/will make that person happy (at least in the short run).
So often I've seen this with myself (on both sides of the spectrum) or others...you want to break up as romantic partners but still be incredibly close friends, which is a beautiful thought because it means you still care for the person and are not bitter. Yay! However, while I think friendship with an ex is ultimately very possible in many cases, for a short while the break-up-ee is going to feel badly, and there is NOTHING you can do about it. Seriously...admit to yourself that you will be the cause of someone's pain, and just swallow that, because it's true, and it doesn't mean you're a terrible person, it just means that interpersonal relationships are complicated and hard and that we will all at one time or another be on the giving and receiving ends of pain.
Oh man, with one of my exes I tried so hard to continue to be that light for him after our breakup, but it just confused the hell out of him...wait, you still love me, but you don't want to be together? To me it was so obvious: the romantic relationship part was over, but the friendship was still alive. For him, the two were indistinguishable, part of one beautiful, imperfect package. Ultimately, he had to say goodbye to the entire package in order to move on and be happy. The last time we spoke was a year and a half ago and, oh MAN i've had to suppress the urge to contact him so many times, but ultimately i've known it would be a selfish thing. Whenever he's ready, if that time occurs, he'll contact me. Until then, I have to assume he's happier without me in his life...ultimately, in this case I'm afraid I'm the one who's lost out, because we had a freaking amazing friendship. However, I don't regret what happened because we also had a beautiful relationship, and that's just the way things go sometimes...i have to get all Buddhist sometimes and remind myself of the impermanence of things.
3) It hurts not because it wasn't the right decision, but because break-ups always hurt in some way. Always! second guessing yourself will usually make it worse...it's natural for there to be a mourning period. Period.
4) Regarding a fear of being single post-breakup: Being single WILL be hard and lonely sometimes, but it's less stressful in many ways than trying to work things out in a relationship. I totally identify with peoples' fear of being single and i won't say it's a picnic all the time but overall the ups and downs are really no more when single than when you're in a relationship - there will be ups and downs both times, they're just very different. Study after study in psychology shows that regardless of life circumstance people basically settle back into their set point of happiness (once their basic needs are met; thi s has been shown with, for example, people who've won the lottery or had traumatic experiences - it's amazing how after a short time people settle back into baseline - see this article for explanationhttp://www.sciam.com/print_version.cfm?articleID=5B76E630-E7F2-99DF-3958811DF98CBC37). The grass is always greener on the other side, yadda yadda...you get the point.
5) The person you're breaking up with has a lot of great traits - of course, that's why you dated them in the first place! However, if you're not into it anymore, those traits shouldn't be used as justification to stay together. Many people have great traits - they're called your friends! You don't date everyone with great qualities, and thus reminding yourself of your boyfriend/girlfriend's great qualities is not always relevant when considering whether or not to break up.
Oh man, I've been in this place so many times before...it's tempting when you're considering breaking up with someone to point to the person's good qualities and say, "Man, but they're so (caring, smart, loving, a great partner, etc), maybe we should stay together." Again, as stated above, you don't date everyone with great qualities. Relationships are crazy complex entities created from a confluence of timing, circumstance, values, personality, age, experience, etc etc, and thus the breakup often has to do with those factors rather than personality stuff (this sort of relates to point #1). Additionally, sometimes it is a personality thing - perhaps what drew you to someone in the beginning doesn't draw you anymore...it doesn't mean those traits don't still matter, just that they're not what you are looking for romantically. This sort of gets to the delegitimizing question again - saying you want to break up doesn't delegitimize the other person's traits, it just means that beautiful package is not what you want right now.
Ok, that's it for now...more to come soon! | posted by Cheryl, 4/06/2007 08:55:00 AM | 2 comments |
