What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all About???

Breaking up takes (worthwhile) effort, just like getting together takes effort!

I'm amazed at how many people see breaking up as this clean process, where you just have this flash of insight and, in effect, rip a band-aid and then it's over.

Of course, that attitude certainly has it's place (especially when someone has made a significant mistake such as cheating, you've been dealing with it for so long that it's better for both to just stop talking about the break-up, or it's just incredibly mutual), but I think for the majority the process is tricky, ambiguous, and requires a lot of effort, just like getting together does!

We often forget after things have settled into their routine how many questions we had those first few weeks of dating/being together: does the person feel the same way about me? How will I fit into his/her life and vice versa? Is this the right time in life for me to be getting into a relationship? Do they want to see me as much as I want to see them? When should we have, "the conversation?"

The anxiety in those times, because it's peppered with so many highs, often actually adds to the moments of happiness; breaking up involves similar questions, but this time the anxiety associated with the ambiguities often kindles frustration. Should we stay in contact? Is this really the right thing, or could we have worked it out? Does he/she feel the same way I do? Was this worth it in the first place (always yes, for me!)?

The questions are typically very specific to the particular relationship, but I really like the idea that you have to "create" a break-up just like you have to create a relationship. Relationships don't just happen because you fall in love; conversely, break-ups don't just happen when situational forces or feelings change.

The tricky area occurrs when you start from scratch and simultaneously build a friendship and romantic relationship, and then feel it's right to break up (like with Suraj and I right now), because you don't want to completely inverse the equation; I don't want to un-create the friendship aspects, but it's necessary to taper off the romantic ones.

This requires some effort, and I think most couples/former couples choose to just throw the baby out with the bathwater; the anxieties and negative feelings associated with breaking up understandably make people just not want to deal with it anymore and feel bitter. That's sad to me because I think in many instances (well, this one in particular) you can still bring so many positive things to each other's lives (why else did you get together in the first place?) that it's worth the effort to try to create something new from it.

I'm so happy Suraj and I stuck through the ambiguities and frustrating factors that have arisen this past week (of course, we had predominantly positive interactions but those negative forces did come into play), because we've gotten to a point where I think we'll be able to retain a lot of the positive aspects of our relationship while remaining broken up. It's so funny how few words we have for these things - we didn't lose a "relationship," we just changed how we "relate" to each other! I have to give him a lot of credit for this, he's been amazing all around.

Of course, one might say that was easier in our case because the reasoning for the break-up was predominantly situational (although other factors did come into play), but I would hope that the same concept could apply for many couples.

Also, I have been pretty up and down about the ordeal, so perhaps I'll read this tomorrow and feel that I was being overly optimistic...for now, though, this is my 2 cents! | posted by Cheryl, 10/28/2005 04:10:00 PM