Not alone, but with myself (in Brugges, Belgium)
I hesitate to write on this topic because the act of writing serves to undermine part of a new way I've been approaching some of my travels, but I feel it's important to at least document!It was recently brought to my attention by my dear friend Kate that one way to rouse myself from waves of lonliness is to approach my experiences with myself as the sole audience, rather than pondering how I would explain or share them with close family, friends or some vague, undefined audience.
What would I do, see, taste, feel, be, take pictures of if I turned off the imaginary voices of the audience in my head and just listened to me? It seemed like a simple enough concept, but when put into practice while in the idyllic, medieval town of Brugges, Belgium, the effect was profound. I can only describe it in abstract terms, of course, because the essence of the experience was that it was shared with me and me alone.
On the point of BEING with myself, the day I spent alone in Brugges really felt like a meditation; not the sort of meditation where you clear your mind, but the kind where you pay attention to your habitual thought patterns and gently bring them back to the present. I was so surprised to find how often my actions were motivated by some vague notion of an audience out there - i found myself wondering what pictures people would like to see on my website rather than which ones I personally would like to take, or whether i would look weird at the grocery store getting just chocolate and a kiwi, or whether i looked stupid in my tourist backpacker shoes.
The focus on appearances was one of the most surprising trends I found (this is probably exacerbated by the fact that many women in europe truly do seem to be more interested in fashion than my cohorts in the states; also, when you're with someone else the conversation tends to bring your attention away from yourself). Once I got rid of all that white noise, I was able to really BE in Brugges, really taste the chocolate and waffles, become absorbed by a strange design on a door handle, pet the dog at my glorious hostel and lose track of time.
This might sound strange coming from such a wildly pro-social person as I, and I hope I'm describing it right - the challenge I've been setting out for myself when I'm physically alone on this trip is to be really WITH myself, but I'm not saying that this physical or mental alone-state is one in which I think I naturally thrive or can learn the most. On a practical level, I've realized that the one thing I know for sure is that I will be with me until I die, and inevitably I'll have times with just myself, so I might as well make sure I can make the most of these times!
Anyway, I just wanted to document this and let everyone know that my experience has become more fully MINE. It's been a bit harder to apply these concepts as i've interacted more with others (such as this weekend in Amsterdam), but when I apply the concept of disregarding thoughts about what others think of my appearance in particular, i find i'm more confident when meeting new people.
It meant a lot to me that my day in Brugges (Wednesday) was the 2 week anniversary of my arrival here, because I felt I'd come so far from the person who cried on the plane ride over...this isn't to say i won't still have my ups and downs, but I'm starting to see signs of internal change that I was afraid I'd leave Europe without experiencing, so I'm feeling that the trip is starting to serve more of a purpose in my life. | posted by Cheryl, 11/06/2005 08:19:00 AM
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