Sun
Todaywas
BEAUTIFUL!!!!
I have a theory about Seattle-ites, and I suppose it really just is an extension of the general concept of relativity, but the theory is that because we have so many degrees of rainy and cloudy days, we truly appreciate our sun breaks and sunny days way more than the average person!
Today, the first truly warm/sunny day of the year, there was just a bounce in my step...perhaps it's from living in new york for a few years, but I often get this strong sense of dejavu in the spring, with all the smells of flowers and grass; it brings me back to the days of spring runs with the track team and sunny Saturday morning soccer games and lazy summer days on the lake with friends!
It's not just the sun that we appreciate, but the clouds as well! I had forgotten how lovely it is to watch the clouds change shades as it gets closer to nighttime...last night, my good friend David Levitt and I were driving home from the U district, across I-90 and Lake Washington, and were totally struck silent by how deep and darkly blue the sky and water were...
I LOVE living here! | posted by Cheryl, 4/18/2006 08:17:00 PM | 1 comments |
Saying Goodbye
So, today I said goodbye to my
aunt Carol Lynn, who's going back home to Holland tomorrow. She came not only to see my sister get married, but also to say goodbye to our family. She's been struggling with Lou Gehrig's disease for almost a year, and it's finally progressed deeply enough into the vocal area that she relies on alternate modes of communication, such as writing things down on paper or using a cool machine she has that "speaks" after she types in sentences. This is her on the left with my cousin Max, when they went up to Paradise on Mount Rainer with my aunt and uncle. I love her moose hat! I went to the mall this morning and got her a really cool beaded belt, because she's been losing weight really rapidly (due to not being able to eat most foods), and it felt really surreal...it felt like I was going to give her something for her birthday, but really, it's more like giving her something to say goodbye...an unbirthday...I wrote her a letter and, again, I was saying all those things you normally say to someone on their birthday because it's an excuse to put your appreciation for someone into words, but I couldn't shake the knowledge that it was really a letter to say everything I wanted to say before she dies.I've thought and talked with friends/family about the question of whether you'd like to know when you're going to die. In a way, it's a blessing for her to know approximately when you're going to die because it allows you the time and space to say all that you want to say to people in your life and do things you've always wanted to do, and for everyone in your life to make peace in whatever way they desire. There's nothing sadder at a funeral than the sense that you wish you could have said x, y, or z. Carol Lynn and I discussed this a little when I visited last fall; she was able to take classes she'd been putting off and make amends with people because she knew there wasn't an infinite amount of time in which to do so (which there isn't, really, for any of us, we just are in a position to ignore that fact).
Yet, and she's said this as well, on a selfish level of course it would be easier for us all if we just died totally unexpectedly. She mentioned this in a recent email - it would be so much easier to just get hit by a car than to have to witness your body failing, go through the frustrations every day, hour, minute. I think the worst part of what she's going through must be the incongruous feeling of having your brain be the same, still having the same thoughts and feelings and reactions, but not being able to interact with the world in the way in which you've been accostomed for over 50 years (talking, laughing, etc) because of the body's failings...it would be one thing to know you were going to die in one week or one month so you could quickly make amends and perhaps see something you'd always wanted to see, but to know you are going to die sometime soon, but it's not clear exactly when, and that you will have to witness you body slowly failing, that's just, well, hard, to say the obvious.
Yet, I can't think of her and dwell on the negative, because she's just been so courageous and strong throughout this...which isn't to say she's denied the negative, because she's also been refreshingly honest! But, she's absolutely done everything she could do on any given day...she went to Mt. Rainer with my cousins, came out SWING dancing with me at the Century Ballroom last wednesday (it was adorable, everyone thought she was my mom because she was taking pictures!), she saw the tulips in northern washington with my parents, etc. That's just her! She's always been so proactive, so ever ready to go anywhere or do anything in the name of fun...we went dancing quite a bit in Holland last fall, and I remember going to numerous arts and crafts fairs, musical performances, and other artsy events with her.
I told her this in the letter: there's a big artist within me that would very likely have been left on the sidelines during my young adulthood as I pursued soccer, running, and academic interests, but my interactions with her (whether they were for a full week during spring break or just a few hours over christmas) always sparked me to go back to my beads or my painting or listen to some world music or try a new form of dance...to me, she represents a life of passion and of art, and all the joys and frustrations that go along with the creative process, and above all honesty with oneself and others. She already did enough with her life to fill 100 years...I just hope that the remainer is as peaceful as possible, because she does not deserve to live in any sort of pain.
| posted by Cheryl, 4/15/2006 06:57:00 PM
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Taking Risks
So, I was recently presented with a plethora of vocational options. The 2 biggest contenders were:1) become a full time, long term staff member (Fiscal Specialist) at the UW Medical Center's Operations & Maintenance Department, where I've been temping on and off since June 2005, know and love most of the people I work with, will get full benefits and a solid salary, but the job itself would not be something I'm particularly interested in or passionate about, nor would the job lead me in any direction where I could find employment in a position that utilizes my unique skills, and it would require me to wake up at 6 am every day.....
2) become a Communications Guru with a nonprofit with whom I've been volunteering for just under a year as a grant-writer ("Bridges to Understanding" - www.bridgesweb.org - they connect children from developing countries around the world through digital stories/documentaries); the job itself is much less stable (only guaranteed 3 days a week for 6 months, but it should be noted that I'm employed as a freelance writer for a separate person for 2 days a month for 6 months as well), pays less and offers no benefits (but I do not need benefits until I turn 25 in September), but it is pretty much the ideal job for me...the nonprof is in an incredibly exciting period of transition, and as one of only 4 staff members I have the potential to tremendously impact their direction; the basic duties include responding to email/answering phones, coordinating international photography/cultural workshops, grant-writing, and generating/implementing marketing strategies, and they like my work so much that they are willing to be incredibly flexible according to whatever my schedule ends up being...
So, for a while I was leaning towards the Fiscal Specialist job...I mean, it pays about $2/hr more, is more stable, gives benefits, and I already know how to do the job, but then I realized what an insanely cool opportunity the (albeit riskier) nonprof job was. Not only would it combine my academic interests (anthropology/psychology/social justice) but it would just give me a reason to wake up every morning, you know? I'm lucky that I don't have kids or any huge expenses that force me to go with the more $, so I can choose the riskier option.
However, when I turn 25 and my incredibly generous parents stop paying my insurance and medical costs, I will have to make decisions based on financial matters. I decided to go with the nonprof for now because this is the last 1/2 year where I won't have to factor in an extra $400-500/month for insurance (if, in the worst case, my job doesn't provide it, it will be $194/mo until I turn 30 to stay on my parents'), prescriptions (at least $100/mo), and doctors' visits ($25/each, they fluctuate but i usually see a doc 3-5x a month).
Phew! What an intense period of decision-making that was, especially in lieu of my pretty much unexpected break-up and sister's majorly exciting but time-consuming wedding! The past 3 weeks have seen the greatest rate of change in my life for as long as I can remember...
So, it's been soooo exciting to work for Bridges (and, despite my frequent usage of "sooo," bridges is a legitimate nonprofit seeking to connect children across cultures through digital storytelling, not a teeny-bopper magazing), I could go on and on, but I'll just leave with one metaphor that occurred to me last night after I put in my first every 12 hour work day and we finished a particularly intense board meeting: parts of this job feel a lot like the experience of running the mile...while you're doing it, it hurts and you start wondering why you're putting yourself through it, but afterwards, it feels sooooooo good!
I don't think the metaphor works all around, because throughout the entire job I do feel an ultimate moral sense of purpose (whereas while running, the basic motivator was just my inherent competitiveness, and the conviction that as long as i was spending 2 hours a day doing something, i might as well do it well).
Regardless, I just can't describe how much the feeling of driving home at 9:15 last night after a solid day of work reminded me of taking those first steps after you cross the finish line, hands on your head (to keep your chest open and get more air, even when all you feel like doing is curling up into a ball), feeling that surge of adrenaline/endorphins, and the irresistable urge to smile... | posted by Cheryl, 4/06/2006 08:12:00 AM | 0 comments |
Dance Dance Life Dance
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh, I danced so much this weekend at the Western Washington Jazz Festival (mostly Lindy Hop, which is a form of swing dance, for those of you whom I haven't coerced into coming out to the Century Ballroom)...if my calculations are correct, I spent well over 20 hours social dancing and participating in workshops on various topics, such as Jazz Moves, Connection, and, of course, how to be a BADASS!YES!
I have a little notebook full of technical details, but I think the most important thing I took from the weekend was the importance of relaxing, being natural, and having FUN rather than treating it as some sort of clinical thing...
I think it's easy when trying to pick up a new skill, especially a skill that involves teamwork with someone else, to overthink things and want to do everything just RIGHT all the time rather than just getting down to the basics, which are, in my case: following, and having fun.
One of my favorite moments was when Andy (drool!) (check out the site for he and his partner Nina - http://www.andyandnina.com/), an unbelievably fantastic dancer and warm person, said that if given the choice to dance with someone who is doing all the moves perfectly in a textbook, robotic way or someone who's having fun with the music and playing around but messes up occasionally, he'd much rather dance with the person who's at least putting themselves out there, being a little vulnerable, and having FUN!
It made me think of the importance of enthusiasm in life in general...I think if people see that you're putting your heart into something, they'll be more likely to give you a break, you know? I think this happened to me in college...I sometimes thought teachers might think I was smarter than I was just because I was so enthusiastic and curious about the subjects...I have noticed this on my subsequent jobs and volunteerwork experiences...attitude is everything, as my old soccer coach used to say!
I'm not feeling really well right now (didn't sleep enough this weekend on top of getting a little cold), but I want to ingrain these lessons into my head and, as corny as it sounds, live every day to the fullest!
Oh, and to those friends of mine who've been worried about me slipping into the swing culture past the point of no return (cough, shannon, cough), you might want to start actively keeping me back because i feel it happening...it's sucking me in! I love it! | posted by Cheryl, 4/03/2006 07:58:00 PM | 2 comments |
